Freaks Macintosh Archive/Freaks Macintosh Archive.bin/Freaks Macintosh Archives/Textfiles/zines/fuck/fuckvl05.sit/fuckvl05 Folder/FUCK0115.TXT

Text File | 1995-05-10 | 14KB | 234 lines

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=  F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K.  =
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                  The Art of Begging
                  ------------------


    Begging is a method by which one can procure the funds necessary to
sustain one's self virtually indefinitely, at almost no personal cost, except
humiliation.  By utilizing proper begging technique, very good yield can be
obtained.  The main discourse which will be covered in this tutorial, and by
far the most important in the actual begging procedure, will be the proper
mental manipulation of the Funder (he who funds the Beggar) by the truly
skilled Student of Procurement Arts, or the Beggar.  These skills have long
proven themselves invaluable when exercised in the correct locale, at the
proper time interval.


        Part 1:  (in)Famous Beggars

    The art of begging is not a new one, but one which has been practiced
for many a year, by many a once poor, (or even once rich) and currently
extremely prosperous soul.  Many a Beggar have found within begging the means
to obtain houses otherwise unavailable to their childhood friends who decided
to choose the unfortunately straight path in life, and actually work for their
income.  These suckers now live in the trash neighborhoods, while the Beggars
are able to afford mansions in the plush, inner-city playgrounds of the rich.

    Case Study #1:
    Locale:  San Fransisco, California
    Beggar Type:  Beat Box Dancer
    Beggar Name:  Unknown
    Beggar's Racial Background:  Black
    Information:  This Beggar dances in San Fransisco on the harbor, on a
milk box.  He has a boom box playing rap tunes, and whenever someone drops
money within the overturned box at his feet, he does a little "robotic" dance
to the rap tune, complete with servo and engine noises emitted from his mouth.
This probably mainly works because of his black racial background--he is able
to keep to the beat of the tune, and not mess up his dance.  He dresses
slightly shabbily when he works, but it is known that he owns a mansion in
wine country, as well as a yacht in the harbor.  This man is a true example
of proper begging skills.

    Case Study #2:
    Locale:  Denver, Colorado
    Beggar Type:  Story Teller
    Beggar Name:  Unknown
    Beggar's Racial Background:  Apparently White
    Information:  While traversing the 16th Street Mall in Denver, we came
across several Beggars of all types, yet none seemed to know proper begging
skills, and would simply request money of our party.  Eventually, we were
approached by a man who did, in fact, know his skills, and was very proficient
at the practicing thereof.  Instead of requesting monetary funds immediately
of our group, he began with a story of his demise, beginning with a horrible
drug addiction, highlights in clinics, and the military, and ending when his
social security was no longer redeemable, and he was finally forced to live
out his days on the streets.  He claimed to have finally reformed, and kicked
the drug habit, and just wanted a few dollars to buy a meal.  How could anyone
refuse someone like this after he took the time to tell a story like that?
(Took over 4 minutes!)  Excellent technique.

    Case Study #3:
    Locale:  Washington, D.C.
    Beggar Type:  Pamphlet Seller
    Beggar Name:  Unknown
    Beggar's Racial Background:  Black
    Information:  Free pamphlets are available throughout the D.C. area for
tourists, such that they can know which tourist sites to visit while they're
in the area.  This Beggar took advantage of the situation, and turned it
around such that these "free" pamphlets would give him much income.  By
obtaining large stacks of these free pamphlets from their distribution
centers, and then offering them for sale on the street, he was able to create
his own personal business opportunity.  He approached our group wearing a
brightly colored outfit, and offered us pamphlets for $5 each.  Seeing that
these were the same pamphlets I could obtain from my hotel, I declined his
offer, but realized that most tourists would not, as they have not the
intellect to do so.  Doing some quick calculations, I determined that in
a good location, during the day, with only 100 tourists passing per hour,
and 75 of these purchasing the pamphlets, our Beggar could make $375 per
hour!  In a better location, such as in between some of the Smithsonian
buildings, our Beggar may be able to encounter as many as 400-500 tourists
per hour, perhaps with a bit lower tourist:purchase ratio, and make as much
as $1250 per hour!  This technique is obviously enhanced even more greatly
when our Beggar reinvests his funds and creates an appearance for himself
as if he works for the city, such that he will gain the trust of the
Funders.  This technique is, perhaps, the best available for quick
profiteering through semi-legal, and/or begging means.  By working in a
prime spot for only two-three hours a day, this Beggar could procure more
funds in one day than a large percentage of the population makes in one MONTH!

    Case Study #4:
    Locale:  Denver, Colorado
    Beggar Type:  Gimme A Quarter
    Beggar Name:  David
    Beggar's Racial Background:  Apparently White
    Information:  David has enough money provided by his parents to afford
medial needs, and definitely lives well above sustenance level.  However, when
pocket cash becomes low in supply, David has found a way to purchase what he
needs without breaking into his bank funds.  By asking for a quarter--no more,
no less, from those he passes in the hall of George Washington High School, he
is able to appeal to the fact that most don't consider amounts less than one
dollar to be of great value.  David has been able to make up to five dollars in
less than ten minutes, a very nice yield for a small-time, low-level Beggar.
David is also a good example of how a Beggar must present the correct
atmosphere to his Funder for good usage of his begging skills.  Recently,
while begging, David accidentally opened his hand, which happened to be full
of funds he had procured, while soliciting a possible Funder.  This was his
major mistake, as, upon seeing that David already had sufficient funds in hand,
the Funder had a change of heart, and gave David instead, an offer to kiss
her ass.  Small time begging is great for those moments in which the Beggar
has plenty of funds in the bank, but isn't in the mood to visit the ATM
 machine.


        Part 2:  Begging Methodology

    Now that we have reviewed some techniques of frequent, and skilled
Beggars, we will break these down and form a general plan from which all
begging solicitation can take place.  This plan will enable the prospective
user to form his own mold, specific to his particular situation and begging
needs.
    As seen in Case Study #1 and Case Study #3, the Dancer and the Seller,
respectively, Funders who have large pockets want to get something in return
on occasion.  The Dancer gave his Funders a bit of entertainment value, namely
the music from his box, and his robot dance, which can be seen to be of slight
interest to those with nothing better to do with their time.  The Seller, on
the other hand, offered his funders a tangible good, the pamphlet which he
attempted to pawn off upon them.  This allowed the Funders a feeling that they
had actually procured something of value for their money, and were not simply
putting it into an empty expenditure.  This helps when begging, because many
Funders wish to know where their Funds are headed.
    We can break down these skills even further, by stating that most
basic skills that a potential Beggar may posses can be utilized for purposes
of fund procurement.  I'm sure that most who will read this have, at some time,
seen a low-level Beggar utilizing these techniques, performing in the street
with a guitar, or with one's voice.  This is very effective, but has inherent
errors in most basic techniques.  Mainly, this is derived from the fact that
the said Beggars usually leave their gained funds out in the open, for any
potential Funders to take a glance at.  This will inherently endanger the
Beggar if too many funds are left to view, or if not enough are seen.  Too
many, and the Funder will assume that enough has been given to the Beggar
already to placate his needs.  Not enough, and the Funder will tell himself
that if indeed no one else has donated to the said Beggar, why should he?
Thus, when offering service as the begging technique, a certain amount of
funds, usually specific to the target Funders, and/or the locale, should
be displayed in order to prompt further fund generation.  In addition,
services provided should be simple, and extremely easy for the Beggar to
reproduce, such that not too much work will have to be done in order to
prompt the Funder into generosity.
    Case Study #2, the Story Teller, shows that one of the most effective
forms of begging come from appealing to the basic human need to feel
compassion.  By telling his life's story, a disaster in the making, he is able
to perfectly fit into this niche, and create an atmosphere in which the Funder
can all but give the beggar his entire wallet, else he will feel bad about not
having helped the Beggar for the rest of the day.  This technique is excellent
in that a given story is not hard to generate, and within a few nights, it can
be memorized such that it will sound completely natural, and can be very
effectively told in order to correctly fool the Funder into granting the very
funds which the Beggar hopes to receive.  To further enhance this method, the
Beggar may utilize Dirt, Grime, and Oil in order to soil his clothes and self,
presenting a great atmosphere of need about him, causing the Funder to feel
that without funds, the Beggar will fail to survive.  Very few possible
Funders want to feel as though they have allowed someone to die because of
their lack of generosity.
    Case Study #4 is by far the most unskilled form shown within the Case
Studies.  However, it shows that by using small monetary values in one's
technique, one can appeal to Funders who would previously not have been so
generous to the Beggar.  It is very important, however, that one not mix up
the techniques presented in Study #4, and those presented in Studies #1 and
#3. The prime difference in these solutions is that under Cases #1 and #3,
a service is offered, and there is a necessity for showing that some service
has already been granted (however, not too much), by allowing the Funder to
see a certain amount of income.  Under Case Study #4, if income is shown to
the Funder, the Funder will surely feel that he need not continue the income
flow of the Beggar, thus eliminating himself from the Funder/Beggar chain.
By not showing any funds, or furthermore, by stating that absolutely no funds
exist, and that he has been very unlucky, the Beggar using Case Study #4 to
his benefit can convince the Funder that he is absolutely necessary to the
short-term livelihood of the Beggar.  This, of course, presents an opening,
as the Funder is only granting a very small amount of money to the Beggar,
which gives him the feeling that he is helping someone, without having to
manipulate him much, as well as giving him the feeling that he is the only
one who can help the Beggar, making him even more susceptible to giving
funds to the Beggar.
    Certain methods of different Case Studies can be intermixed within
others, but sometimes this should not be done in order to correctly manipulate
the Funder for maximum Funding.  For instance, Case Study #4 can very easily
be intermixed with Case Study #2, in that the wearing of soiled garments can
aid in the begging process of both.  However, Case Study #4 and Case Study #3
should not be intermingled, in that no funds should be shown to the Funder
when using Case Study #4. Case Studies #2 and #3, also, should not be used
as one.  This mainly relates to the clothing used, as in Case Study #2,
grungy clothes help the cause, yet in Case Study #3, in order to gain the
trust of possible Funders, clean, city-worker-type clothes will be much
more acceptable. By using one's common sense, it is determinable which
methods should be used under a given situation.

Conclusions:

    By using one's begging skills, great deals of income can be generated,
if needed; or, if needed, only small amounts can be gained.  Whatever one's
needs, whatever one's situation, begging can be used.

    I'd like to thank all the Beggars who I was able to analyze in order
to aid in the breakdown of begging technique, with a special thanks to David,
who's begging gave me inspiration to write this guide.


            *
            MoRP/HEuS
            *
            iN_EFFECT

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